Mother-in-law vs. Daughter-in-law
Saturday, 11 June, 2005
General | 笔者: Twinsmom
My mom came back from
Mom also said baby very smart, even though he just a one month old baby, but very exciting about the surrounding, looking around, kicking away, swinging his little fist etc (make me drooling, seriously).
Then JZ (dad’s God-daughter) said:
“Wah…so very happy being ah ma already huh? Carry the grandson until drooling lor?”
Upon hearing this mom’s face suddenly turned to sour:
“I where got so many chance to carry him? Every time he cry I about to carry him, his mommy will tell me not to carry him too much, otherwise the baby get to use to people carry, might be very difficult for her to take care after I left.” She paused for a while continue:
“But her mom and auntie came visit her that time, they got unlimited carry chances…*very sour grape*…” then continue:
“Happily going there, upsetting when coming back…*eye red liao*…”
*sigh*
Mom have “reason” why she insist to take care of the baby and DIL for the first month, not just merely because this is her first grandson (daughter side wan don’t count hor), also because when after my younger brother was born, she didn’t managed to spend more time taking care of him, she always feel very sorry for my younger brother for not bonding with him, so now he is having his first kid, mom feel like she wants to do something, to “compensate” the “lost”.
While mom talking about her experience during the confinement, my heart can’t help but flew back to the time during my confinement.
Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship again…
I had a lot differences with my MIL on taking care of the babies, like
- She insists babies have to bath with Guinness Stout.
- I will not have enough breast milk for the babies.
- Have to finish at least 4oz. of formula every feed, otherwise they will keep waking up, sleep less will delay their grow.
- I didn’t wear enough cloth for the babies, even though they are sweaty like no tomorrow.
- Etc. (actually a lot of more, but funny now I can’t remember what else anymore.)
So Twinsdad became sandwich man in between the wife and mother, I complaint to him then he “advised” his mom not to do some of things, just like what my brother did now.
I was very upset with my MIL then, because I was hoping she can spend more time with me and the babies, but her legs not allow her to climb the stair too often, and also she has her own activities everyday.
During that time I kind of like a spoilt kid, thinking of given birth of a pair of twins is a very big deal, everyone in the family should have jump in to help me, can’t they see I only got one pair of hand? And became very self pity most of the time, I complaint to my parent too, in the beginning they just listen to me, and tried to reasoning with me why my MIL couldn’t help me much. But later they also got fed-up by my whining, eventually one day my dad said to me:
“You complaint so much about your MIL not helping you, but in the same time you also complaining about the method she bring up the babies, so don’t you think you are contradict yourself? You have to understand you are a very fussy person just like your mom, I think even though she did help you through out the day, I might be listen to your complain about how incapable she is now.”
And my mom later on told me not to put Twinsdad in an unfilial son situation, don’t make my man turns against his mom.
At that time I seriously think the whole world turn against me, until one day I saw another mother cursing her MIL left right center in the parenting forum, and in her own blog, I was sweating—there was so close for me to peer with that mother. If I carry on blaming and cursing MIL like her, I’ll be selfish, not contented, and think the world revolve around me like her. And I am so grateful that 5xmom put a full stop to end us on “discussing” the MIL issue in that hatred way, before I spilt even more hate and anger.
Now after almost three years the girls have born, I still have a lot differences with my MIL, but at least after some time I have learned how to absolve, or “by-pass” the request and don’t make her feel offended. I believe I still not perfect it, but to love Twinsdad I have to learn to love his mom too.
My SIL is just having her first born, and usually being first time mother we very anxious about the baby, I hope what those of her “inappropriate and rude behaviors” my mom has told me are just a first-time-mother-post-natal-transition-period-behavior, hope soon she will realize that even though we each children after setting up our own family, are like an rotating planet on it own axis while at the same time, revolving around the sun (our parent).
A parent can forgive and forget their children easily included their spouse, but can the children and their spouse do the same to their parent? If the parent can, why the children can’t? 既然父母能够爱屋及乌, 我们当子女的可以吗? 老吾老以及人之老, 幼吾幼以及人之幼. 我们真的不可以爱另一半的父母, 如同爱自己的父母一样吗?
P/s: this is just my personal view on MIL and DIL relationship, if someone have a lengthy comment to tell her MIL story, please tell in your own blog or start a journal (comment based on my previous experience—a distress anonymous mother left a very long comment under my previous blog on MIL/DIL relationship.) Thank you.
I know my MIL worked very hard to bring up her 3 sons single handedly so I repect her deeply for that.
We also have differences. But I try to please her, not just for hubby’s sake, but also for her sake. She did her part for my husband, and I think some respect for her is in order. Even though she’s not highly educated. As long as try to understand her, you’ll understand why she act certain “unreasonable” way sometimes.
I hope we can get along when she stays with us soon.
Oh, did you mention something again, about the universe revolves around a certain person? WHY don’t some pple/(ssssss) geddit?
ET
ET, answer your last para.–may be that planet too far from the sun, so can’t really feel she is revolving something else gua.
Hey..Twinsmom,
I really think its a post-natal thing that goes up our head.. when we first have a baby. I too had a tiny experience with my MIL. But you know how great my in-laws are.. so you can imagine my disgust with myself.. during self-discovery time.. hahaha!! but all will pass.. and we will all know .. how great in-laws are. .and even if they are not.. we just have to do our best.. because of our love for our spouses.. no..??
I know where you are coming from..
I very thank you to MIL when i delivered my twins she really help me alot. She help me takecare of my son somemore she need to work and cook for me.(my confinement without a maid help and that time is CNY so the CL i think will double up and somemore need to takecare the twins i think maybe will triple up the cost :P)
I saw her very tired to help me doing confinement and i was c-sec so cant help her to takecare my son too. I very appreciate what she had done to me.
hmm..after married for 4 years, I still kenot love MIL like my parents lor..maybe b’coz we didn’t stay together..meet once a week time for few hours really not enough to understand her, right?
Is difficult for me to ‘hao shun’ her lar..)maybe I donno the correct method?)..buy food for her, she say it ‘hot’ or ‘cold’ wan..kenot eat..ask fatty wat MIL like , stupid son oso donno..bring her to kai kai..she say kenot walk alot..I oledi no idea how to being a good DIL lor..
After so many ‘kena papan’ now I collected little info about wat she like liao..hehe…at least I know she like ‘jambulat’ (fruit)..hehe..
It’s easier to be in each other’s company than living together (相处容易同住难). Compromise is the key to a healthy MIL-DIL relationship, no? I live with ILs and we get along well (of course there are some differences in opinions and how things are done; after all we’re brought up differently and may have different values). A lot of times people have delusion that MIL-DIL can never get along, no thanks to those HK dramas and old stories. IMHO, as long as DILs do their part in respecting and compromising with MIL, they should get along reasonably well (of course an understanding MIL will help really really a lot).
The love for IL’s will never be the same for parents who’ve brought us up since young. That does not mean I love them less. Just different kind of love.
Mrs.T, that is the sentiment we share ;).
1+2mom, you so lucky man…:-).
msau, see? you did do your homework, and you at least find something she actually like.
momof2, you are right–相见欢同住难.
最近我妹妹去工作了,要不然你可以在网上和她八一八:D.
嘿！你最近也很少上IM喔…
我将在本月24号去吉隆坡叻…不知是否可以聚一聚？我将下榻PJ Hilton。 近你家吗？
还有呵，MrsT 的部落格怎么了？
Ya-lah, all the HK melodrama about MIL vs DIL really teruk. Now ’sang seng’ already (after repeated advice from DH..), I treat MIL better than her only son!! He is very blur about what she like, and I take the trouble to make and buy her things she like to eat (they are simple folks and it takes so little to please them). I am very grateful to her for helping out when I had no.2. My children are lucky to have both grandparents around and I make sure that they see us treating the elders with respect (must perpetuate the filial piety..)
“It’s better to be kind than right”, so what’s wrong with letting other people have their way? Cannot expect old people to change, and they are not going to live forever. It’s not going to kill you to be nice (works in all other situations too, eg. inconsiderate neighbours, unreasonable clients, nosy relatives…LOL)
P/S: sorry-ah, so ‘long breath’..
That was so well said, kc!
et
Maybe hormon change also cause that? During my confinement I hated my CL so much, I complaint to EVERYONE. But now, I think back, she is not bad after all. At least, when I have problems with bfg, she never ever said anything like ’see, I told you…’. As for 婆媳问题, it happens everywhere, because you are both brought up differently and have different culture/value. I don’t have problems with my MIL, I think the key success to it is: I treat her like my own mom (sometimes even better), and in return she treats me like her own daughter.
My mom is ok with this, not jealous (at least she appears to be), because that’s what she taught me to do. Remember, MIL is actually NOT our mom, so must treat her BETTER than our mom, then only she feels the ‘kindness’ in us. :p
After you do it for a while, you will find it natural already one…
ai….相见欢同住难….
I’m staying with my MIL, a lot of problems. But no point complaining, cuz the more i complain, the more unhappy i am, she won’t know. So, why complain?
eg i told her since last week, i have to attend dinner on comming friday in Port Klang, she said ok. Then last nite she said : what time u come back from dinner? i want to go back to Ipoh at 9pm. Aiyo….where got wedding dinner can finish at 8:00pm and expect me to reach home at 9:00pm? So what did i do? Smile! Gave her RM50 to ‘buy things eat’, and wish her happy journey! I will stay at home, no wedding dinner.