“call uncle, call aunty…”
Tuesday, 9 May, 2006
Parenting | 笔者: Twinsmom
This is quite usual for us right? since when we was young, we have been taught by our parents, to address people when meet.
My parents wanted me to call aunty and uncle during visit, call ah po or ah gong when meet with elderly, or even greet the neighbour when we see them.
We have been doing so since very young, it is kind of like having meal and go toilet, something we need to do.
Then naturally when we have kids, we also teach our kids to be polite to address the people, regardless elder or same age with them.
But kids being kids, shy… no matter how crazy they can play at home, once see the stranger they will just keep their mouth shut, then leave the parents to face the guests and defence for them “She/he/they usually not like wan… blah blah blah…”. And poor parents have to sweat all over and think others might think their kids so “bodoh” and don’t address people.
I used to get quite unhappy when the twins not willing to address people, even though I can’t do much, I will just say “哎呀… 没有礼貌，不会叫人。(no manners, never call people)” even feel more dreadful was when some of the adult will make remarks like “你没有教她们，要给她们习惯。(you never teach them, and let them get use to the custom)”
But recently I changed my mind set, after bump into a old friend some time ago…
We bump into each other in shopping mall, we stopped and chat a bit, since the girls were playing at the near by playground, I just talk to him and his two girls. Then he asked his two daughters to greet us: “Call, call aunty and uncle.” the eldest even though shy but still call softly. But the youngest (about 8 years old) refused to call, my friend keep asking her to call, minutes passed, my friend got a bit angry, and the youngest getting more and more rejected, and we got more and more embarras of put the young girl in this situation, so we just said: “Never mind lar, she doesn’t want to call, don’t force her.” but I think my friend might be in the same situation as me, thinking “shit, the kid wouldn’t call, like I never teach my kid properly.” he just keep pressing on the kid.
But then he use a hand gesture to his kid, he point to his chest, then point to her lip, he whisper something to her ear, and repeat the hand gesture. After few attempts, the girl almost wanted to cry (the tears rolling in her eye) but she called, softly. Can see my friend got a look of relief, so as the girl, and us too *phew*.
Then I said may be shouldn’t press the girl too much on this, but my friend said:
“No, cannot, they have to call people, if they don’t call, it will make us parents mo-min (no face, shameful), like we never teach them well, you see just now? I was telling her ‘if you don’t call people, you make daddy no face, you want to make daddy in shame?’ and she called.”
I got shocked when I hear that (but I didn’t show lar), I feel so bad about this, if not greet people can make the parents feel shameful, then what happen if the kid have done something more ’serious’ than this? for example not doing well in the exam (gosh… now I know why he send the kids for so many lessons and tuitions).
After listen to what my friend said, I never press the girls to call people, I will still tell them to greet people, but I wouldn’t press them until they want to cry, I think they will have a very bad impression on meeting people too.
Auntie (故意的), 顺其自然. 不用酱 kiasu.
>> Jason, 以后你就知道 ;).
Ya, 礼儀对所有人都好注重呱!可能父母感到好似冇家教咁、好冇面!
我仔仔一樣係咁‧尤其昨天去到大伯屋企、拒绝入屋叫人‧由佢坐到佢warm up(兩个钟后)再帶佢叫人‧好细声叫也算了‧但是熟口熟面D人、唔駛点樣講佢自己會叫的‧
冇計啦、好日都冇見那些人‧少見咪怕醜D囉！預計D人都会明白呱！
>> BT, not surprise, a lot of kids don’t greet stranger :).
Forcing the child to do something she doesn’t want to is more embarassing for the parent than not calling aunty/uncle. Too bad he never realized it.
>> Hsin, too old to realise it LOL….
Hsin was write. you were feeling embarass not becoz of the kids not calling but the parent keep forcing.
laki my SS so Quai, before we meet someone we told her, later we will meet someone and you will call aunty uncle… and she was so co-operative… hehe Got Face lo :p
>> Lockee, 他不好意思，我们替小孩感到难过。how you teach your SS1 wan?
Hey.. Twinsmom,
I think the calling “aunty & uncle” thingie.. is only an asian thing.
Over here in Canada.. we donch just calling everyone “aunty * uncle”. Chloe is taught.. how to say “hello” .. “goodbye”… but if she doesn’t wanna do it.. i donch force her to.
Papa BoK used to say.. that by making Chloe say all those things to ppl she didn’t even know.. is like training a “monkey” .. “Monkey show” he calls it.
lol
>> Mamabok, yah, my girls learn to say hi, bye, good morning, thank you, please from Winnie the Pooh LOL… they only call the people they know, those not familiar they will just keep their mouth shut.
Thanks for sharing.. I shall remember don’t force this on LLS.. coz i also realise the more i want him to do something.. the more stuborn he is.
>> J, same here, the more we force, they more they refuse to obey, that is why we try not to push.
Maria, I just abt to blog this too!
Not me kiasu, but my MIL; she wants Wien to call them but my girl refuse (afraid stranger lor) I never force her to call as I know the reason. So each time someone come to my house, when wien refuse to call, i’ll just grab her to another hall, then gently tell the guest: 不好意思，他怕你!哈哈！
>> Jesslyn, eh, then I wait for you to blog lor.
Twinsmom’s teaching time only during meeting ppl?Never meet then never teach wor.Twins dont have the interest in calling ma, develop their interest loh. Like ” Call Auntie first then we go play bubblebubble” haha.
>> Tom, no use wan, the guest treat them sweets, they still refuse to call LOL… oh, may be they don’t like sweet :P.
I think feeling shameful and mou-min is really not necessary..
However, I think we should still try to teach out kids to address people based on basic curtersy, not so much for face.
This will teach them to have manners and not ignore people when they come face to face with them. Not calling Aunty and Uncle is ok, but at least should say Hi to acknowledge the presence of someone.
I’d seen kids who turned their face the other way when their parents ask them to greet someone (like very sombong). And still turn the face to the other way when adults greet them, even when they are already school going kids. Behaviour of shyness and being 目中无人 is different. I can understand a kid being shy (hide behind mummy, and said, don’t want), but I can’t stand if they are 目中无人 (turn the face away very arrogantly).
>> Zara’s mama, yah kah? so fierce? thanks goodness not yet see one like that.
Oh yeah.. if the child doesn’t want to do it then, we should not force the issue right and then, but should explain to her/him later, so that nobody should feel embarasssed about the situation.
>> Zara’s mama, at home have to explain to them first lor, later if they still not call, then after got home I will tell again, but will never force them in front of others.
oh yeah….!! erm… last time mummy teach us have to call ppl when we meet… and yeah… i dun think that’s any difficulty with this ler… we well behave, and we call.. we like to call… even though we dunnoe how to address the ppl, mummy will gudie us… erm… depends on the kids ler… maybe belles are too shy lor.. ahhaha….
so now, i like to call uncle and aunty went i meet ppl.. including u… auntie maria… wahha..kidding kidding…!! *run away fast fast*
>> Milly, yee? so good greet me why still run away leh? I give sweets wor LOL….
My MIL is one who enforces it. As for me, I close 1 eye. If the call, it will be a blessing, if they don’t I will not force.
It depends on the age, if the child is too young, she or he will not understand. Try it again when the child is 5/6 yrs old.
>> Michelle, one eye enforcement? LOL… yah depends on the age, I think if 5 years and above should understand.
I have a friend whose kids are so polite and good, call uncle, aunty, switch off the lights after use toilet in other ppl’s house, sing and dance when asked to sing and dance by the parents … err… like mama bok said. Its like a monkey show. Seriously they were the most well mannered kids I ever came across in these days but when it came to the part when the parents started to ask them to sing and dance, I felt it was just a little bit too much.
>> MG, Oh… No… I hate seeing this, make the kids like the circus! poor thing.
I dunno. if the kid is 8 years old..i think what ur fren did (altho explanation maybe a bit harsh) was right. i dun think of it as forcing, but it does reflect upon our parents alot. i am 21 now, & alot of my behaviour with relatives makes my parents smile & thank God that they taught me well. Seeing the other kids my age (and my sister’s age, 14) not greeting people just makes me cringe, why their parents never teach from young? they should have.
i have very worked closely with children for the past 6 years & have seen kids from every walk of life, every race & religion, white & black. i can tell the difference from pure shyness & from sombong, & unfortunately, i dun think, at 8 years old, a kid should refuse to greet ppl, or if that isnt bad enuff, refuse to obey their parents when parents urge them to, which later leads on to forcing. if they can remember to open their mouth to ask for sweet, why not remember manners?
but mamabok is right, its an asian thing. we shud teach kids that even if they duno how to call (generation - gong2, auntie or che2) then they shud at least say HI.
agree?
feel free to drop me a line at my site anytime! =)
>> Avril, from I saw my friend’s daughter was not happy that her activity had been interupted by us (may be), so no happy with us why call us leh? my wild guess.
*sigh* very difficult to discipline kids lor, too harsh afraid will hurt them, too gentle they treat us like monkey… parenting… so tough…
Last time when my bro and me were young, we just obeyed our parents. They ask us to call, we call, never ask also we call. Nowadays, kids seem to have mind of their own, like JS, she would not call when you ask her too, she sometimes don’t even want to greet her grandparents and aunty. But after she has slowly warm up, she will call them by herself. And sometimes se can really be 目中无人, in born character, no one at home like that. As parents, I really worry sometimes that people might think that I don’t know how to teach my kids manner, a bit embarass when i ask my kids to call someone, but she doesn’t comply.
>> Elaine, ya wor… i remember I also very good girl wor. let me ask my mom again :P.
*sigh* I don’t care what others think liao, I just do what i think is right lor.
Greeting people just like passing down manner from one generation to another. I won’t force my son to greet people if he doesn’t want to greet. But, of course i’m there always to teach him must greet, just to instil this manner to him from young’s stage.
>> Huisia, the kids don’t greet, I greet lor, so hope can set a good example to them.
Aiyo yo, then my Destinee is really a ’sombong’ kid lor. She seldom like to call strangers unless she’s in a good mood. But she’ll definitely call ppl she’s familiar with. It’s not dat I don’t teach her or remind her to call and respect ppl. If she’s in the mood, she’ll call happily, if not, she’ll just ignore my request.
>> Tracy, again, your Des really macam I mya Annabelle :D.
wah .. parenting is so tough.
maria, your blog is like “Parenting 101″ for me. I am still a ‘freshman’ … getting some ‘warm-up’ .. haha.
>> Greenapple, reading and practise are totally different wor lLOL…
i dun1 sweet… mummy said cannot simply take sweet from stranger..!! eee..this auntie sure wanna kidnap me by offer me sweet… ekekke… lol….
kidding kidding..
>> Milly, OK, I keep it for my girls :P.
erm..ur gals?? cannot…they stil small..cannot eat so much sweets…
Haaha totally agree, I’ll wait till I’m a mom then I’ll tell you my progress okay? But great manners (not just discipline) will be worthwhile in the end. In many ways, to MIL, SIL etc etc. If you discipline (do homework, do chore) but too ’shy’ to show ur manners, how? One dog colour ma!
>> Avril, we thought we have learn a lot, but when the baby came we have to start learning all over again.
First I tought SS Shake, just like playing with as normal. then when seeing someone, let her Play shake hand with him/her, to make fren.
then she’s wiling to call that person lo… No Forcing!!
of coz took me sometime la :>
>> Lockee, good tip, OK, let me “play” shake hand with them first. TQ wor.
I never really border about the calling part. Thought kids is innocent and they have mood swings sometimes….hehe…like us also. So I never force. They will outgrow this one la. Hmm… I think your friends need some mind set change ler, aiyooo poor thing his girl.
>> Allyfeel, I think below 4 years old still OK to loosen up a bit, but above that age should teach lor, but not in that way lar, “make daddy no face.” tsk… just a bit too much.
Hi maria,
Good sharing..My Thaddeus not yet start calling uncle/auntie. Eventhough “daddy & mummy” also depends to his mood. But i think I won;t force my kid to do it until he cry.(this will be more ‘mo min’ isn’t that?) But I’ll tell him who did he meet like ‘go-go’,'a-yi’,’shu-shu’ etc. Then I’ll remind with him when go back home. He’ll show his ‘傻笑’ to me.(means he understood). Haha..
*那天在’妈咪宝贝’偶然读到才知道你是特约作者之一。久仰久仰…
>> Hi Linda, yah, you see, our little one know leh, just they play trick with us, so we also have to be smart counter back LOL…
yah, I am one of the column writer, for few months lor, I think just write for a year only lar.